Goodbye

I love people.
I love meeting them.
I love watching them.
I love hearing them.
I love feeling them.
I love trying to understand what makes them smile, what makes them frown.
I love trying to understand what they think or how they think.
I love it when people express themselves, consciously or consciously.
I love it when people show emotion.
I love it all and I will never be allowed true love.

So this is goodbye to my hope for a greater love.
I guess I still stand alone, loving every person worth loving around me and never expecting any love in return.
It's sad but it works; I live, and music will soothe my sadness.
Music is the love that never betrays me.

Déjà vu

I never meant to ever make you mad.
I never meant to ever make you sad.
I never meant to ever make you unhappy at all.
I never meant for anything like this to happen.
But if it hurts, it certainly means something.

All I ever wanted was to make you smile inside.

Now my heart is open.
Open, but dreadfuly alone.
I can't keep it like that for long.
As much as i wish it would heal, it seems is doomed to close up, again.

Truth

In this life; in this world; in this time, truth comes when least expected. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But one thing is for sure, the truth is better off said and done, rather than kept inside. The truth is forgotten when it is not told, and forgetting the truth is living a lie.
So what IS truth?
Truth is what is beyond all lies. More powerful than any invention.
Truth comes from the heart and soul. Not from the mind.
Truth is not words; it is a feeling. And when the truth is understood it can move mountains, break boundries and change rules in this world made of lies and words.
My truth is not in these words, but in me.

The first step to happiness is to understand your own truth.

My greatest sadness is the way truth is forgotten so easily. This has become considered "human" and is shrugged upon, which I belive is nothing but inhumane and irresponsible. I hold this opinion not by merely observing others but also by letting myself forget the truth and for being "human" as well. And it won't get resolved overnight...
:/

I promise I will change.

Syndromes

I wish I could get some sleep.
I wish I could forget why I can't.

After dreaming so much, after searching for so long.
And now nothing.

Am I the only one in this world who doesn't understand the most simple of things?
Am I the only one stupid enough to be afraid of the most delicate of things?

If my life was glass, all that would be left is just a shard; a fragment.
I am the little bit of my whole, left alone, to never be put back together.

What have I become from this?
Why do my thoughts trick me?
Where is my mind!?

I want to throw up constantly.
This knot in my stomache is squishing the butterflies within.
I can barley eat.

I want to kill myself, but I don't want to die. I have so much life stuck inside me that I'm begining to think that I won't ever let it all out.
I have lost what pulls me from my darkness.

I have been reading over my past ideas and I feel that I have completely failed my own self.
I can't stop thinking...
I think, I think, I think and I think, but nothing becomes real.
I have been living in my thoughts.
Waiting...

But waiting gets you nowhere...
And thats my problem.
I can't wait anymore.

So what's going to happen?
My thoughts wont tell me anything true.
Please tell me what is true to you.

Is this worth all the pain?

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I never got to see you again.
I'm sorry I barley held your hand.
I'm sorry I never got to give you flowers.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone.
I'm sorry I was afraid to be wrong and not say the right thing.
I'm sorry I didn't understand how you liked me.
I'm sorry I never told you that you really made a difference in my life.
I'm sorry I can't express myself easily.
I'm sorry I didn't kiss you goodbye.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you wanted to see me again.
I'm sorry I am so far away.
I'm sorry I was ignorantly "patient" and waited so long.
I'm sorry I don't understand anything about girls.
I'm sorry I am not smart enought to ever get things right.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I never told you all the plans I had for us when you were supposed to come.
I'm sorry I never got to take you out to a decent dinner.
I'm sorry I didn't show you how much I wanted to be with you.
I'm sorry I have to be so sorry all the time.
I'm sorry I never got to speak to you on the phone.
I'm sorry I always fail.
I'm sorry I never said I was jealous.
I'm sorry I was so afraid to scare you away.
I'm sorry I am never happy when I'm alone.
I'm sorry I ever told you about the other girl.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I thought and dreamed of you every day.
I'm sorry I am so stupid sometimes.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'd do anything for you.
I'm sorry I am a coward.
I'm sorry I said I didn't believe in love.
I'm sorry I was so blind I didn't see what was going on.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough.
I'm sorry I thought so much and did so little.
I'm sorry I ever thought that being with you was to good to be true.
I'm sorry I didn't hug you more.
I'm sorry I never got to see you on New Years.
I'm sorry I didn't realize what I had to do before it was too late.
I'm sorry I didn't take the chance when I had it.
I'm sorry I made a fool of myself.
I'm sorry I made you have to deal with this.
I'm sorry I let this happen.
I'm sorry I never said that I love you.
I'm so sorry that it doesn't seem fair...
I'm sorry, and I'll never forgive myself.

But I am sorry because I am your friend.
I wanted to be your friend before wanting more.
But some kind of fucking bad karma chose to not make that happen...

Bad karma or not, friends we are.

But you are still far away and I still need a friend; I still need you.


This part in life really sucks!
:(