I Welcome You

I decided to write another blog considering that the majority of the world doesn't speak Portuguese and can't read Imagem Chave, my other blog. Feel free to visit it anyways and look at the pictures.
Don't think that I'm going to write anything cool.

Listen

I'll do anything for you to believe I'm worthy.
As soon as I stop shaking.
As soon as I untie my toungue.
As soon as I step foward.

Memories

Memories, on those which I feed,
are scarcely what is true,
so I fall in love every time
that I lay eyes on you...

It's always so wonderful
and always so pure,
that of what I should do
I am totally unsure.

Like particles of dust
that blow from my hand.
I wish they would settle
and fertilize the land.

And from the land
would grow a fruit or flower,
that would prove to me
the results of this tremendous power.

A power of the living.
A power of the dead.
A power other than
the memories in my head.

Gibberish: is a generic term in English for talking that sounds like speech, but has no actual meaning

Fuck is a harsh word. I dont fuck around or try to fuck up anything. And obviously this will sound harsh because i used the word fuck... But I don't give a fuck. I just wanted to say that.

I have no super brain. I only try to be what I want to be. And I try to want to be the right thing to be. And I try to define for myself what is the right thing to be, basically based on what I want to be. Who is almost someone I can actually consider good. A type of good i never see anyone achieve.
Fuck, I'm no good, but I sure as Hell try to be.
But like I said, I have no super brain. It was triggered by my unkown best friend. And I love it.
So don't go away. I'll get to know you, when my non-super brain finally figures it out.
Brains hurt.

I wrote a good poem about you

I wrote a good poem about you
and erased it until the paper wore through;
until the eraser shredded and the desktop
was covered with granular pink shreds.
the visible debris of second thought
mixed among shreds of notebook paper.
the compound debris of what might have been written
about you and your longing brown eyes
and silky black hair and your dissatisfaction
with the things you'd written. I wrote
a noble poem that described you heroically,
a woman waiting for her real heart to be born
from her paper heart and her pencil heart
but erased it a half hour later, sore
from the writing of it; sore from thinking
about you too hard indeed; sore from
looking at paper and lines of graphite,
smears of graphite on loose leaf notebook paper,
memories of tests taken in school,
and of looking directly into your eyes
as though your eyes were all there were.
to look into in this life or the next.
I wrote a good poem about all of this
and regretted not only writing it,
but the memory of looking into your eyes
and kissing your lips and you softly
kissing mine too softly almost sadly,
as if you knew that none of it could be held
for very long; that what you'd written
would also have to be erased before long;
that what you'd done you had not really done
and that it could be deleted and begun anew
on a new day with a fresh sheet of notebook paper
and a newly sharpened pencil after
the sharpener had done its grinding;
after you had done all of your grinding
on a new morning when the paper was new,
your real heart still yet to be born.
I wrote a good poem about you
but where is it now I just want to know...

Episodes

There are turning points in life that could change you forever.
Episodes.
I had one particular episode where I became the centre of negative attention, in my own home, for a reason I would rather not state. In the end it was just a misunderstanding, but, at that moment, I witnessed an alteration in my fellow friends; an evil facade of these people whom I had grown to love and respect. It's amazing how people can change just by believing that something terrible happened and how one little mistake might ruin someone's life.
Even though it was resolved and my friends apologised, I registered the fact that they turned against me without a second thought.
I don't dislike these people because of this, but maybe they are not who i think them to be?
Of course!

Nothing is ever how it seems to be!
Nothing!

One should always remember that when one is quick to judge.

Life. Is it secondary?

Life is the background to my mind.
I always have to look first through my thoughts before actually seeing what's there.

Time

Time gives me goosebumps and leaves me emotionless and confused.

Goodbye

I love people.
I love meeting them.
I love watching them.
I love hearing them.
I love feeling them.
I love trying to understand what makes them smile, what makes them frown.
I love trying to understand what they think or how they think.
I love it when people express themselves, consciously or consciously.
I love it when people show emotion.
I love it all and I will never be allowed true love.

So this is goodbye to my hope for a greater love.
I guess I still stand alone, loving every person worth loving around me and never expecting any love in return.
It's sad but it works; I live, and music will soothe my sadness.
Music is the love that never betrays me.

Déjà vu

I never meant to ever make you mad.
I never meant to ever make you sad.
I never meant to ever make you unhappy at all.
I never meant for anything like this to happen.
But if it hurts, it certainly means something.

All I ever wanted was to make you smile inside.

Now my heart is open.
Open, but dreadfuly alone.
I can't keep it like that for long.
As much as i wish it would heal, it seems is doomed to close up, again.

Truth

In this life; in this world; in this time, truth comes when least expected. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But one thing is for sure, the truth is better off said and done, rather than kept inside. The truth is forgotten when it is not told, and forgetting the truth is living a lie.
So what IS truth?
Truth is what is beyond all lies. More powerful than any invention.
Truth comes from the heart and soul. Not from the mind.
Truth is not words; it is a feeling. And when the truth is understood it can move mountains, break boundries and change rules in this world made of lies and words.
My truth is not in these words, but in me.

The first step to happiness is to understand your own truth.

My greatest sadness is the way truth is forgotten so easily. This has become considered "human" and is shrugged upon, which I belive is nothing but inhumane and irresponsible. I hold this opinion not by merely observing others but also by letting myself forget the truth and for being "human" as well. And it won't get resolved overnight...
:/

I promise I will change.

Syndromes

I wish I could get some sleep.
I wish I could forget why I can't.

After dreaming so much, after searching for so long.
And now nothing.

Am I the only one in this world who doesn't understand the most simple of things?
Am I the only one stupid enough to be afraid of the most delicate of things?

If my life was glass, all that would be left is just a shard; a fragment.
I am the little bit of my whole, left alone, to never be put back together.

What have I become from this?
Why do my thoughts trick me?
Where is my mind!?

I want to throw up constantly.
This knot in my stomache is squishing the butterflies within.
I can barley eat.

I want to kill myself, but I don't want to die. I have so much life stuck inside me that I'm begining to think that I won't ever let it all out.
I have lost what pulls me from my darkness.

I have been reading over my past ideas and I feel that I have completely failed my own self.
I can't stop thinking...
I think, I think, I think and I think, but nothing becomes real.
I have been living in my thoughts.
Waiting...

But waiting gets you nowhere...
And thats my problem.
I can't wait anymore.

So what's going to happen?
My thoughts wont tell me anything true.
Please tell me what is true to you.

Is this worth all the pain?

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I never got to see you again.
I'm sorry I barley held your hand.
I'm sorry I never got to give you flowers.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed someone.
I'm sorry I was afraid to be wrong and not say the right thing.
I'm sorry I didn't understand how you liked me.
I'm sorry I never told you that you really made a difference in my life.
I'm sorry I can't express myself easily.
I'm sorry I didn't kiss you goodbye.
I'm sorry I made you cry.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you wanted to see me again.
I'm sorry I am so far away.
I'm sorry I was ignorantly "patient" and waited so long.
I'm sorry I don't understand anything about girls.
I'm sorry I am not smart enought to ever get things right.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm sorry I never told you all the plans I had for us when you were supposed to come.
I'm sorry I never got to take you out to a decent dinner.
I'm sorry I didn't show you how much I wanted to be with you.
I'm sorry I have to be so sorry all the time.
I'm sorry I never got to speak to you on the phone.
I'm sorry I always fail.
I'm sorry I never said I was jealous.
I'm sorry I was so afraid to scare you away.
I'm sorry I am never happy when I'm alone.
I'm sorry I ever told you about the other girl.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I thought and dreamed of you every day.
I'm sorry I am so stupid sometimes.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you I'd do anything for you.
I'm sorry I am a coward.
I'm sorry I said I didn't believe in love.
I'm sorry I was so blind I didn't see what was going on.
I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough.
I'm sorry I thought so much and did so little.
I'm sorry I ever thought that being with you was to good to be true.
I'm sorry I didn't hug you more.
I'm sorry I never got to see you on New Years.
I'm sorry I didn't realize what I had to do before it was too late.
I'm sorry I didn't take the chance when I had it.
I'm sorry I made a fool of myself.
I'm sorry I made you have to deal with this.
I'm sorry I let this happen.
I'm sorry I never said that I love you.
I'm so sorry that it doesn't seem fair...
I'm sorry, and I'll never forgive myself.

But I am sorry because I am your friend.
I wanted to be your friend before wanting more.
But some kind of fucking bad karma chose to not make that happen...

Bad karma or not, friends we are.

But you are still far away and I still need a friend; I still need you.


This part in life really sucks!
:(

K. T.

How my life has turned around again. I have found heaven and i have found my muse, but always it is so far away. It seems that the best things in life must be distant.
Why is this? Why?
To be tormented by the everlasting agony of waiting and waiting and waiting...?
To feel unprotected, unprotecting, unuseful and unused?
To barely have a fading memory to grasp on to?
To be deprived of the wonderful delights of just gazing upon her angelic face or breathing the delicious scent of her hair?

Yes! This is what it is for!
Suffering!
And I can't stand it!

But somehow I know that it will all heal when the distance is passed over.

Nothing Is Right

Some things are just not wrong.
Some resist.

I Hate Myself...

...because almost no one else does! Without hate there is no balance. Why is this? I think that for one to know the true power of a feeling, you have to know what the opposite feels like. I dunno why. But i don't want to be perfect. I want to be loved and hated.

What is This?

I have found myself trying to live without love latley. This is not too dificult if you continue to live life with passion. Of course love appears sometimes but recently it has touched me in a different form: A love for the moment. What you live, feel and touch; what's really there. It makes no sense thinking about love and fantasizing about things that you imagine. When I lie down to collect my thoughts together I tend to think more about every "moment" I had and feel happy about myself for what it was. I love it.
So what is this?
Living life with care for every moment.

The "Plan"

Lately I haven't thought about love.
I think that it's hard to understand what are it's effects. So, if you ignore the possibility of being in love, it enables you to not worry about it.
Ahhh shit...
What the hell am i saying
...you can't ignore love!
But you CAN decide what to do with it:
Put where it needs to go and leave it there.
Then you worry about it waaaaay later, when necessary.
That should work...

Over

Never again will I succumb to her sudction.
Though it hurts, it's for the best for I do not wish to suffer more. It is now her turn.
She will realize so...

Fuck...

Life is never what it seems to be.
Remember that.
A good talk can always change your perception of the world and it's inhabitants.

It's Hard To Understand

It's funny how life works.
You seem to think that everything is the way you understand it, but in the end you can only understand fully what is shown or given to you. What lies behind the unknown is the hardest to understand. You can never really understand what isn't clear, so it's barely worth it to guess...
The worst is when you are shown the wrong side of someone or something. You tend to think the wrong things and come to stupid or bad conclusions that one could live without.
In my case, I still don't know if I understand a certain "someone" the way I should and it really hurts because I think I understand a lot I don't really want to know about or don't really believe to be appealing or just plain ol' "good".
My only salvage is that there is someone who I understand and that understands me as well. But, unfortunately, it is not the person who I really want to understand. I do value our time together and I believe that it is comforting and special and all that, but I just wish I could know that "someone" and why I can't help...
I really like her and it's sad...

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Ok, I'm still gonna be nice. But I now have a new way to look at life. Being Mr. Nice Guy gets you nowhere. So I'll just be "the guy formerly known as Mr. Nice Guy" even though no one has ever called me that...
I'm at a point in life where I need to be more self-aware and believe that I need to do stuff that I've never done before. I shouldn't stick to the things I already know about! I need to meet new people, go to new places, eat new foods, drink new drinks, drinks old drinks in a new way, find a new way to be happy because what I already know just isn't that fun anymore.
So here I go! I am free!
Somebody stop me!

How?... Why?...

My life has just turned around.
I cannot believe what has happened to me.
In one hand I have a huge mountain of shit that just arrived. In the other I have a little down feather just about to blow away with the passing storm.
I will try hard to clean my hand and to catch the feather but I worry. My gut doesn't feel well, so I hope that someone or something will come to my aid.
Please, whoever is doing this to me, stop destroying my life!
I want to live it in peace!

I Am Happy!

Tomorrow will be the begining of a good week!
I have sorted out my problems and am ready to get on with positive vibrations!
Wish me luck!

The Ripping Apart Of Me

I had the best day ever!
And today I found out it meant nothing...
If this happens again I will be forced to kill myself.

Valentine's Day

I'm going to take advantage of this day to explain myself.

I have been utterly cursed (by love) and must learn to live with it. The main question is: How to deal with it?

Should I confess to Lady-X and possibly make a complete idiot out of myself?
Or should I not do anything and feel completely torn apart until, someday, I find a chance to "make my move"?

Oh, and the worst part is that I see Lady-X almost every day and she likes me as a friend, as far as I know. So I really don't want to blow it... Or else I'll end up feeling ridiculous every time I see her.

Maybe I should confess when I'm completely drunk... Then, if she says no, I'll blame it on my lack of soberness!
But I'll probably still feel pretty dumb from then on anyways.
What if I don't remember?...
Hmmm...

Maybe someone can give me a hand here?

It's Too Complex

Let me be interested!
Help me find a connection!
I have this thick wall blocking my capacity to relate with others.
Why?
I don't know.
But I must at least find out How and it's solution.
Then I might have a hope to be happy.

To tell you the truth...

...I'm sure glad music exists or else I wouldn't know what or how to feel.

When Shall I Grasp My Bliss?

It’s hard to understand how I feel divided with no true feeling of love. All that remains are the spontaneous jolts of physical and psychological adrenaline triggered by close ones, or not.
One day I shall choose the path that will feel true. Until then I am in the dark, writing about it and feeding my brain information that may or may not be useful towards my decision...
However, I may never fulfill my "fate", if you want to call it that.
I hope not to end in death.